


You Get My Love

by iStygianEmpress (iDarkEmpress)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Depressed Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Football | Soccer Player Eren Yeager, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Unrequited Love, i don't know what to tag
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-05
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2019-03-14 01:15:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13582914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iDarkEmpress/pseuds/iStygianEmpress
Summary: It was the shadows in his eyes that separated him from the rest. It's the walls around himself that made him unreachable even just from plain sight. It was the way he holds himself, the silent scream for help in the late hours that I saw how much he needed help. The shattered pieces of himself that he was holding in his scarred, bleeding hands, the shattered pieces of himself that I wanted to fix. Not to return it back to how it was before, but make it into something much, much more beautiful, filling in the lost shards with the love that I could give.He wore scars all over his body and soul, like tattoos on his skin, scars from all the battle he has won. And in my sight, it was his scars that made him beautiful.





	You Get My Love

**Author's Note:**

> Some of the scenes I wrote here was based on my own experience. I understand that all of us experience and go through it differently.
> 
> If you do have depression, anxiety, or whatever it is you have, I hope that you'll feel better some day. :)

It was the shadows in his eyes that separated him from the rest. It was the walls around himself that made him unreachable even just from plain sight. It was the way he holds himself, the silent scream for help in the late hours that I saw how much he needed help. The shattered pieces of himself that he was holding in his scarred, bleeding hands, the shattered pieces of himself that I wanted to fix. Not to return it back to how it was before, but make it into something much, much more beautiful, filling in the lost shards with the love that I could give.

  
He wore scars all over his body and soul, like tattoos on his skin, scars from all the battle he has won. And in my sight, it was his scars that made him beautiful.

  
*****

  
It was the same thing happening again. I was doing the same thing in the same room, in the same position I had found myself plenty of times over this week -hunched over the toilet bowl heaving, mind clouded in confusion when nothing comes out. My chest felt heavy and tight, my breathing coming out short and painful.

  
I had no idea what was happening to me. There was nothing wrong with my health, that I can assure of-I wouldn't be allowed to be a part of the football team much less become the captain if I have any health related issues-so this was confusing me. Maybe I should get myself checked up.

  
Standing up from my hunched position, I quickly went to the sink to gargle my mouth and remove the unusual taste left in it. My eyebrows furrowed into a frown. My mouth tasted like flowers, even felt like I sprayed some perfume in my mouth. I didn't understand how I got it.

  
I shook my head. This wasn't the time to think about this. I had to go to Levi's places later. Now that I thought about that, maybe I should go take a shower now.

  
After making sure that there were no unusual taste left, I left the bathroom to take some clothes before going back inside it again. I took my time showering, knowing that Levi would appreciate the effort.

  
Levi. I groaned, leaning my head onto the wall in front of me, letting the water cascade down my body. I shouldn't think of him. I shouldn't include him in the dirty thoughts running around inside my head. I should stop imagining myslef whispering dirty things next to his ear as he withered beneath me, stop imagining myself running my hands up and down his pale skin, feeling him up, thinking of how tight he must be-

  
"Fuck." I let my hand wonder down my waist, gripping the hard-on that resulted from minutes of thinking of doing those dirty, dirty, dirty things to Levi. I kept my grip firm around it, my hand stroking myself slow at first, getting faster and faster as I feel myself getting close to climax.

  
"Levi... Levi, f-fuck... so good, you feel s-so good-fuck!"

  
Grunting, I panted as I came, my eyes closed while I chased my breath, clearing my mind off the foggy haze. Goddammit. This isn't good. I shouldn't think of Levi in that way.

  
Disappointed at myself, I made sure that I was clean enough and took my towel, drying myself off before wearing my clothes. It was just a plain black hoodie and a pair of jeans, considering that I wouldn't be going anywhere except in Levi's living room. Keeping my towel over my head, I walked out of the bathroom and headed to my bed before I sat down. From behind me, I heard my phone rang, causing me to get up and take it. Pressing the power button, my heart jumped at the sight of Levi's name flashing on my screen.

  
"Goddammit," I whispered when I felt my heart sped up. "Calm the fuck down. It's not like this was the first time he ever texted you."

  
But that was the catch. It wasn't the first time but it felt like the first time every time I saw his name on my phone or whenever I got to see him.

  
Unlocking my phone, I eagerly opened his message, but my heart dropped to my stomach once I got to read what he said.

  
Levi, 10:04: Hey, Eren. I don't know if it's the right time, considering that you'll go here later, but my cat scratched me again. I...I think it's worse this time.

  
My lungs constricted in worry, forcing me to take a sharp intake of breath. Oh, Levi.

  
Levi doesn't have a cat. It was impossible for him to be scratched. I knew what he really meant. It was one of those days.

  
Calming myself, I sent him a message, my bottom lip worried in between my teeth. Even if I want to bolt out of the house and get to Levi as soon as I could, I wouldn't do it. I want to know if he wanted me there.

  
Eren, 10:07: Do you want me to come over now? Did you clean the wound?

  
Are you alright? I was tempted to ask, but I knew better than to do it. Of fucking course, he's not alright. He wouldn't have done it if he was.

  
It took him a few minutes to reply and every second of it was excruciating. I paced around the room, my hand tugging my brown locks painfully. I wanted to be with him as soon as possible. I want to comfort him. But I couldn't. Not yet. Not until he told me he wants me there.

  
When my phone rang once again, I almost dived into my bed to get it in my hurry. My hands were shaking as I unlocked my phone, my lip almost breaking from the force I kept on applying to it.

  
Levi, 10:13: Yeah, I would like to. That's if I wouldn't be bothering anything.

  
I don't want to be a problem. I knew that he was thinking of that. My heart clenched at the thought of someone I held and loved so dearly would think that he was nothing but a problem, an extra baggage to carry. I hated to think that the most important person in my life thinks that he was nothing, when he meant everything to me.

  
Eren, 10:14: No, no. I'll go. Just wait in there, okay? I'll be there in ten minutes.

  
Levi, 10:14: Okay.

  
Taking my keys from the nightstand, I flew down the stairs in haste, wearing my shoes before walking out of the door and locking it behind me. After that I was in a trance, my thoughts filled with nothing but the thought of getting to Levi fast.

  
True to my words, I arrived at Levi's house nine minutes after, driving a little over the speed limit. I slammed the door shut after I got out of it and darted towards Levi's front door, pressing the doorbell then shifting from one foot to another as I waited for him to answer the door.

  
My heart was racing inside my chest; a lump was steadily forming inside my throat as my anticipation to see him and the worry I felt for him continued building inside me. I resided my hands inside the pocket of my hoodie to hide its shaking from him. It took around a minute before the door was slowly opened, revealing the gorgeous onyx-haired man that I love.

  
My breath hitched once I got to stare at his steel-blue eyes, the fast beating of my heart turning erratic. I noticed that his eyes were slightly red and puffy, but I didn't comment on it. Instead, I let my eyes take in his form. The exhausted droop of his shoulders, the disheveled form of his normally pristine hair, and the clothes that were a size bigger than him made him look more like a lost child with the way one side of his shirt was barely hanging on his shoulder. No matter how he looked, he was still perfect in my eyes.

  
What shook me out of my trance was the bandage that was messily covering a part of his wrist that was already stained in blood. Recovering out of my stupor, I quickly moved inside and got out of my shoes, letting Levi close the front door before I pulled him further inside his house.

  
"Sit here and wait. I'll go get the kit," I said to him as calmly as I could after I sat him on his grey sofa. He just stared at me blankly and it felt like he was staring at nothing, as if I wasn't there. Seeing those hollow look on his eyes hurt me each time I see it, but it wasn't like I could do anything to prevent it. I've been doing my to help him, there were times that I believed that he was getting better, but before I knew it he was falling again, faster and harder, deeper than where he was before. It was killing him and gods, it was also killing me to watch him in that state.

  
I stood there until he nodded at me. When he did I smiled at him, but he didn't make any move to show any recognition. With a heavy heart, I made a beeline to where I knew he kept his first aid kit, going back to him as soon as I got the kit in my hands, along with some towel. I have some towels to place on my lap when I clean his wounds to avoid being dirtied.

  
My movements were as careful as possible as to not startle or make him feel overwhelmed. He was staring at the floor, making it impossible for me to know if he was aware that I was already beside him. Taking his left hand gingerly, I placed it on my lap, my hands automatically starting to work to clean his wounds.

  
Delicately removing the messily done bandage on his wrist, I watched in horror as the wounds were displayed for me to see. There were plenty of it slashed across his arm, varying in length and deep, the deeper cuts still bleeding. My breath hitched and my eyes were slightly wide. I didn't want to believe that he was the one doing this to himself. I hate it. I fucking hate the fact that he was hurting himself.

  
Apparently, Levi noticed my reaction. He stiffened beside me. "I... sorry."

  
His words were spoken not louder than a whisper that even in the silent place we were in it was barely heard. He clenched his hand into a fist, slightly tugging his arm away from my grip.

  
Looking up from his arm, I set my eyes on Levi who was looking away from me, eyes still cast on the floor. I've been with him in times like this before and I know what he was feeling right now. It was shame.

  
My heart once again ached.

  
"No, Levi. Don't say sorry." I was thankful that my voice didn't tremble. My eyes were already glossed over with tears, but I did my best to keep it at bay. I shouldn't cry in front of him. I have to be strong. He was the one in need, not me.

  
"But-"

  
"Shh. It's fine. Just keep still while I clean your wounds, okay?"

  
He nodded, the action reminding me of a child. I smiled at him before I focused on his arm again. My hands started cleaning his wounds again, methodically working until I was bandaging his arm properly this time.

  
Levi kept his eyes trained on me as I worked, so I made sure to smile at him and talk to him every now and then, despite getting no response from the shorter male. Once his arm was properly bandaged, I lifted it to my face and kissed it, staring from his wrist and up to where his wounds end.

  
"You should replace it often. You know how to do it, right?"

  
"Yeah. Thanks."

  
I shook my head, smiling softly at him. "It's fine. Now, could you tell me where the cat was hiding? I would like to throw it out so it wouldn't hurt you again next time."

  
Levi hesitated at first. He looked at me then shifted his gaze to the floor, to his arm, before shaking his head and looking back at me again. "It's in my room. I think you already know where."

  
"Okay. I'll make sure that it'll be gone in an instant."

  
Knowing that he wouldn't reply I quickly turned on my heels and headed to where his room was. It didn't take me long to find it. It was hidden at the usual spot, placed in the last drawer of his nightstand, hidden underneath a stack of books. There were plenty of blades, the thin sheets of metal making my gut twist in anger.

  
I took it out of the drawer and made sure that there wasn't anything left before I went out of his room and to the kitchen to take a paper bag. Placing the blades inside, I folded it and put it inside the pocket of my hoodie. I wouldn't let Levi have his hands on this nor even see it.

  
Finishing my job, I returned to the living room. Levi was still on his place, his legs pulled up to his chest with his arms around it, chin resting on one of his knee as he stared at nothing. I couldn't understand why after all the times that I had been with him at times like this, I still didn't know what I should do to make him feel better. It made me feel worthless and pathetic for not being able to help someone I love in his time of need.

  
Sitting beside him, I made sure that I provided enough distance for him. We weren't saying anything to each other. Even if I want to, I didn't know what to say so I just stayed silent. Silently wishing that my presence would be enough to tell him that no, he wasn't alone. That he has me.

  
"It's all good now. The cat was gone. Man, it's a vicious one."

  
Without looking at me, Levi spoke. "Sorry. I didn't keep my promise."

  
"I told you not to say sorry, didn't I? It's fine. I know that it's hard for you to stop, so we'll take it slowly, okay? I'm not pressuring you. Take as long as you need."

  
Fidgrting on his seat, he cast his eyes on me, then to the floor, before reluctantly setting it on me. "Thank you, Eren."

  
"For what?"

  
He sighed. "For tolerating me. For taking care of me. For effectively ignoring my bullshits. For not leaving. For everything. You make this shitty life a little better, so thank you for that."

  
Without a second thought I scooted closer to him and pulled him into a hug. He was surprised at first, slowly relaxing at my touch until he hugged back, his hands grasping the back of my shirt.

  
"I'll never leave you as long as you want to, Levi."

  
He has me now and always will be for as long as he would allow me. I would serve as his pillar of strength and hope. I'll help him get through everything.

  
I love him and I would do anything for him, even if he wasn't aware of it.

  
*****

  
The days after that went a little better. Levi slowly got back to his routine but I always kept an eye on him whenever I can. Made sure that he was eating enough, that he was getting enough sleep and help him redirect his thoughts by distracting him. There were times that Levi got a little irritated at me, but he knew that I was only doing it because I was worried about him.

  
"I told you, Eren. I'm good."

"But you didn't eat breakfast!"

  
He gave me a look. "I don't eat breakfast, idiot."

  
"Yes and you need to."

  
"I have a class that I need to attend, Eren. I don't have time for senseless talks."

  
I sighed. "Fine. Let's just meet up after class, okay?"

  
He gave me a nod. "Bye, Eren."

  
Just like that, Levi walked away and went to his class. Sighing, I headed towards the direction of my next class, which was in the opposite way. As I made my way to my class, Jean, a friend of mine and a member of the football team caught up to me, throwing one of his arm around my shoulder.

  
"What's up, Eren?"

  
"Shut up, Jean. I'm not in the mood for your games."

  
"I'm not doing anything to you. What made you have a stick up your ass this early in the morning?"

  
I glared at him. "Fuck off."

  
"Let me guess. It's about Levi, isn't it?"

  
I stopped my tracks, letting out a sigh as I removed Jean's arm from my shoulder, walking close to a wall before leaning on it.

  
"Yeah. I'm just worried about him."

  
Jean showed me a sympathetic smile. "It'll be fine. Also, we have a practice later. Coach was already roasting my ass for your absence."

  
"I'll be there later. Hey, do you mind if we skip class?"

  
He smiled at me mischievously. "You know that I'm all in."

  
I rolled my eyes, but smirk tugging at my lips. "Why did I even ask?"

To cut it short, Jean and I skipped class and went to my house to laze around and play some video games. We bickered (as usual) and laughed at each other, but I couldn't deny that on the back of my mind, there was Levi. He never left my mind and I was constantly worrying over his state. I knew that he hated my constant worrying, but it's not like I could help it. When lunch came, I went back to the university with Jean, parting ways with before going straight to our usual spot at the tree on the hill, knowing that Levi would be there. As I made my way towards the place, I saw Levi sitting alone, his sandwich still untouched. I didn't call him until I was standing in front of him.

  
"You need to eat that, Levi."

  
Levi looked at me as I situated myself on the seat across him. "I don't have any appetite. I don't think my stomach would keep it for long."

  
"Would you please try? Even just a little?"

  
"You're very persistent, aren't you?"

  
I just smiled and he sighed, his hand taking and unwrapping his sandwich, eyeing it before taking a bite, albeit reluctantly. Levi rolled his eyes when he heard me let out a pleased hum.

  
"What?"

  
Instead of answering, he leaned over the table and kept his face close to mine, my eyes trapped by his steel-blue ones, causing my heart to pound harshly because of the proximity.

  
"L-Levi, what are you-ow! What was that for!"

  
Rubbing my forehead that Levi just flicked, I watched an amused smile show on his lips and listened to the small chuckle he let out. "You're such a brat."

  
"Watch it. I'm older than you."

  
A smirk tugged the corner of his lips upwards. "Yeah, by months, yet you still act like you're the younger one."

  
For a moment, I got lost when a small, genuine smile painted his lips. This was the happiest look that I was able to see on his face for a long time, and I felt myself fall for him deeper as I take in his gorgeous, barely there smile.

  
"I love you."

  
Before I knew it, the words tumbled out of my mouth without any inhibitions. Fuck, I didn't mean to say it aloud. I've been keeping it to myself for years, not knowing how I could break it to him without scaring him off, but being the idiot I was, I turned it all to waste. Fuck. What's going to happen now?

  
Levi's eyes widened, his mouth opening in disbelief. Uncertainty flashed in those silver-blue eyes and I watched as his brows knit into a frown. I held my breath as I waited for his response, for his reaction. My heart has been trying to climb its way out of my chest and run away.

  
After a few agonizing minutes of pure silence, Levi spoke. "You don't."

  
My eyebrows did the same thing, forming a crease in between my eyebrows. I stared at him, confused. What did he just say? 'You don't'? Was he telling me that I don't really love him? He didn't believe me?

  
I wasn't ready for what he said.

  
"What are you saying?"

  
"What you just said, that isn't true," he said in a strained voice. "Stop fucking around, Eren!"

  
"I'm not fucking around!" Abruptly standing up from my seat, I slammed both of my hands down the stone tabletop between us. He was startled by my sudden movement. My eyes were boring into his, the uncertainty that his eyes has was returned with an assurance. "I'm not fucking around, Levi. When I told you I love you, I meant that. I have loved you for almost three years already, goddammit. Believe me."

  
"No, Eren. You don't. You can't possibly..." He shook his head. "No. You fell for me years ago, and that Levi was different from the Levi that you're seeing now. The Levi that you love was dead, Eren."

  
In haste, I grabbed one of his hands, looking at him pleadingly, silently begging him to believe me, to stop overthinking and just fucking listen. "No, Levi. The Levi that I love wasn't dead. Did you really believe that after I went through everything with you? What I saw didn't make me love you less. It made me love you more, Levi. I hate seeing you hate yourself, hate seeing yourself become lost and gone each day. I want to show you what you're worth, Levi because contrary to what you fucking believe, you're worth it. You're worth everything and more. Just let me-"

  
"Stop it, Eren. I don't want to hear it. I have to go."

  
Taking his bag, he started striding the path that I took earlier leaving me standing in the same spot. However, it didn't feel like he was just getting away from me physically. I felt him slipping away from me, from our friendship. Levi wanting to get away from me felt like he was slowly cutting ties with me.

  
No. I couldn't let that happen.

  
"Wait!" My feet started moving, following him. I didn't stop running until I reached him, placing a hand on his shoulder to halt him from his movements. "Wait, Levi. Okay, I won't force anything to you. Just don't walk away like that."

  
I was taken aback by the blank look on his face when he faced me. The blank stare, the unwelcoming feeling being beside him caused me, it made me step back, my hand falling from his shoulder.

  
"I have every right to walk away, Eren. You can't spout out shits like that and expect me to take it easy. Don't follow me. I'll talk to you when I'm ready."

  
I wasn't able to do nor say anything before he turned his back on me, treading down the hill with me staring at his back. My heart constricted in pain and felt heavy in its confines.

  
Out of nowhere, chest ached and I began to have trouble breathing. I was chasing my breath, coming out in short inhale and exhale, and the sensation reminded me of how I would felt after I ran for hours.

  
I feel down on my knees to the grass covered ground, one hand over my chest while the other served as my support on the ground. Doing my best to calm the erratic beating of my heart caused by my confusion and fear, I stayed on the ground until my breathing becomes normal again.

  
Falling back, I let myself think to myself as I stared at the cloudless sky above me.

  
What was that?

  
*****

  
Levi and I hadn't talked in days. I wasn't even able to see him in the hallways. We didn't have any class together so it's not like I would have a chance to really check on him.

  
As I waited for our practice to start, I sent another text to Levi, hoping that this time he would answer it. Scrolling through the conversation I had with him, a sigh escaped my lips. How much longer would he avoid me? I couldn't the thought of not seeing him for a few more days. If that would happen, I would most likely barge into his house without any word and gather him in my arms.

  
"Eren!" I looked up and saw Jean standing by the door, already dressed in his uniform. "Practice. Field. Now. Coach's looking for you."

  
"Okay. I'll go there in a minute."

  
"You better hurry up."

I nodded and Jean went to the field. Getting up from the bench, I went to my locker and placed my phone inside, shutting it before I went out. The other members were already lined up, our coach, Keith Shadis, was standing in front of them.

  
Jogging to get to my place, Coach settled his glare on me. "Late again, Yeager?"

  
"Sorry, Coach. It won't happen again."

  
His glare intensified. "You better. You have a match in a month. If you want to get to the finals, you better work your ass off." He looked at the others. "Not only him, but all of you. Am I clear?"

  
"YES!"

  
He nodded. "Good. Now go get yourselves warmed up so you can start practicing."

  
Scattering in the field, we started our warm up. Halfway through it, Jean stepped beside me, nudging me with his elbow.

  
"What's up with you, man? You've always been spacing out these past few days. You're not acting yourself."

  
Jean and I have been best friends since middle school. We were at each other's throat most of the time, but I couldn't deny that he was great at knowing whether something's bugging me.

  
And this time, I knew that no matter how much I denied it, I wouldn't get away from his questioning.

  
"Levi and I had a fight. Uhm... it wasn't really a fight." Jean raised an eyebrow at me, urging me to talk. "A few days back, we were at our usual hangout place. We were talking when I suddenly blurted out that I was in love with him."

  
"What the fuck, Eren?" Jean's voice was so loud that everyone near looked at the two of us. He smiled apologetically to them before fixing his withering stare back at me. "Why the fuck did you do that?"

  
"Well sorry! I didn't mean to say it! It just slipped out of my mouth!"

  
"Yeager! Kirstein! Are you doing warm up or just gossiping?" We both looked at Shadis who has a murdering look on his face.

  
"Sorry!" Both of us said at the same time. He continued walking around the field.

  
Jean fixed his eyes on me again. "Slipped? Fucking slipped? Really, Eren?"

  
"I didn't intend to tell him that!" I shouted at him. As loud as you can shout in a whisper, that is.

  
"You're a huge idiot, Eren." He shook his head and let out a sigh. "What happened then?"

  
Thinking of what happened that day made my heart constrict. "He walked out. Told me that what I feel for him was a lie. That the Levi that I love has been dead for long."

  
Jean gave me a pitied look. "Shit, man. I'm sorry."

  
"Don't be. It's not like I could dictate what he should feel for me. I'm okay with us being friends, but he hasn't shown himself to me since then."

  
"Maybe he just needed time. I'm sure he was pretty shaken up -"

  
"Yeager! Kirstein! Twenty laps, now!"

  
Jean looked at me with a blank face. "I shouldn't have been worried about you."

  
I glared at him. "You made it sound like it was my fault."

  
"You two! What were you doing? I said twenty laps, now!"

  
By the time we finished twenty laps, we were already breathing heavily, me more than Jean. I noticed how easier it was for me to be out of breath in the past week. Was there something wrong with me? Maybe I should really go to a doctor soon.

  
After resting for a bit, Jean and I drank some water before we were called for practice. We went on with our usual routine. We started playing, our team divided into two groups. Currently I was running, watching Reiner closely as he has the ball. He kicked it to pass the ball to Marco, but I quickly snatched it with my foot and turned towards the goal.

  
As I was running, however, my chest constricted painfully. My breath came in as pants, but every breath was fucking painful. It was like something was clogging up my airways. I slowed to a stop, my vision slowly getting dark and soon enough I was on the ground, the panicked voices of my teammates sounding unclear, like I was underwater.

  
Then the dark took over me.

  
I woke up in a white room, my head aching. My breathing has improved, but it wasn't perfect. In the haze my mind was currently in, I didn't notice the presence of another person in the room.

  
"...ren. Eren. Are you feeling okay?"

  
Turning my head to the right, I saw a very worried Levi standing next to where I lay. His brows were knitted in a frown, his thumb caressing mine gently.

  
"Le...vi." I tried to sit up but Levi stopped me before I could.

  
"Just rest, Eren." He sat down on the seat beside the bed. "I was so worried when I heard that you collapsed. What the fuck did you do, Eren?"

  
"Sorry. I was abusing my body."

  
Levi softly tutted and flicked my forehead. "You brat. Don't fucking do that again next time, alright?"

  
I smiled. For the first time in a few days, I genuinely smiled. It was like we were back to those days, back when I haven't idiotically told him my feelings. Yes, I was sad that he didn't feel the same way, I still am, but this was better than him ignoring me. I don't want to lose him.

  
"Yes, Captain." He smiled softly at the nickname. It was an endearment that I had for him since we met. "How about you? Are you feeling fine?"

  
He looked surprise, obviously unprepared for my question. "Idiot. Why are you worrying over me? You were the one who collapsed."

  
I am always worried and thinking of you. "Will you let me check your arm?"

  
To my surprise, he nodded without any hesitation, bring his arm up to let me look at it. My heart was pounding on my chest as I slid the sleeves of his hoodie, not knowing what I would see. It was replaced by joy when I didn't see new cuts and the last ones were already healing up.

  
"That...that's great, Levi."

  
He nodded, but didn't utter anything. I slid his sleeve back and kissed his wrist before letting it go.

  
Just as he set his arm back on his lap, someone entered the room. I saw that it was Petra, the nurse of the clinic, with Jean and Coach behind her.

  
"Oh, you're already awake," Petra said once she saw me. "How're you feeling?"

  
"Good," I replied. "A little dizzy, but fine nonetheless."

  
"Your breathing? How was it?"

  
"Better."

  
"Eren." I tore my gaze away from Petra to look at Shadis. "You're not allowed to play until you got yourself checked."

  
I sat up so fast I thought my spine would break. "But Coach!"

  
"No buts, Eren!" This was one of the rare times where he called me by my name. "You're not going to play until you get yourself checked. Your health is more important than football."

  
Levi held my hand and squeezed it. Some form of comforting. "Yes, Coach."

  
Petra sent me a small smile. "Sorry Eren, but it's for the best. You're allowed to go home as long as you feel good enough to stand."

  
"Thanks, Petra. I'll be leaving now." Shadis pat Petra's back once before he went out of the room.

  
Jean looked at Levi and I. "I'll also go now. Mikasa was waiting for me."

  
"Okay."

  
Before Jean could leave, Levi called him. "Jean."

  
Jean turned his head to look at us. "What?"

  
Hesitating for a moment, Levi spoke. "Thanks for bringing Eren here and for calling me."

  
Jean shook his head. "It's fine. Even though he's a dumbass, I still care for him. I'll go now."

  
Before I could respond, he was out of the room, leaving me fuming.

  
"That horseface."

  
Levi chuckled beside me, running a hand through my hair. "Hey, just let that slip."

  
Unconsciously leaning to his touch, I mumbled, "Fine."

  
*****

  
"W-what did you say?"

  
"You have Hanahaki disease, Mr. Yeager. And it's getting worse."

  
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He was joking, right? It couldn't be...

  
"No. This is wrong. You're lying..."

  
"I'm sorry, Mr. Yeager. I wish that we were wrong, but your X-ray result was enough evidence."

  
My eyes were wide as I stared at the result, my hands shaking as I did my best to keep my tears at bay. There it was. There were flowers inside my lungs, the reason why I am having trouble breathing. The flowers were clogging up my lungs.

  
"I'm sure that you know this but I'm still going to tell you. The only way for you to be cured without surgery is to get them to love you back. If not," the doctor started off cautiously. "It's either surgery or death. If you choose to remove it through surgery, expect to forget everything about that person. But if you refuse, the flowers would just continue growing until you die."

  
"I...I'll think about it."

  
"Please decide fast, Mr. Yeager. Your life is on the line."

  
I left the hospital with a heavy heart, my mind a mess of thoughts. Why? Why did I have to go through this? Wasn't loving Levi causing enough pain for me?

  
How could I say this to anyone? I couldn't let them know especially Levi. Who knows what he will do if he discovers that I might die because of him.

  
Fuck, I don't know what to do. I don't want to forget about Levi, but I also don't want to die. Levi needs me.

  
But it wasn't like I could make him love me. He already told me that.

  
I numbly went back to my car. I only sat inside, the X-ray result left on the backseat, as I stared at nothing. I was thinking of everything and nothing at the same time. Fuck.

  
I leaned my head on the steering wheel. The tears that I was holding back started to flow, falling down my cheeks in a never ending stream, each drop containing every emotions rolling through my being. Pain, frustration, hopelessness.

  
I want to live, but could I bear the thought of forgetting Levi? I was the only one he could trust, the only one he could run to. I was his safe haven. Could I be cruel and strip that away from him?

  
He was left behind too many times before. I didn't know if he could handle being left behind again, much more by me, someone who promised to be right beside him whenever he needed someone. What would he feel if the person he trusted with his being suddenly forgets about him?

  
What should I do? What the fuck should I do?

  
I let out a scream, a scream that rattled me to my very core. Pain started to blossom in my chest, radiating from my center to the tips of my fingers and toes, the pain penetrating deep in my bones. It was excruciating, but it seemed like it wouldn't end any sooner. My voice cracked at the end, sobs raking my body as I pathetically cry inside my car.

  
"Fuck, fuck, fuck..." I whispered, my hand griping the steering wheel until my knuckles turned white.

  
I am lost and I don't know what to do.

  
*****

  
I wasn't able to get much sleep after that day. I stopped attending practice - my body wouldn't be able to handle it. The only ones that I talk to were Levi and Jean, with Mikasa and Armin busy with their studies. It has been months since I last saw Armin. Seeing him was hard since he went to another place to study.

  
It was obvious how fast my health has been deteriorating. I had more trouble breathing. Just running for less than a kilometer can make me collapse. I hadn't told anyone about it. I wanted to keep it a secret as long as I could.

  
Apparently, it wasn't as long as I thought.

  
Jean saw the X-ray result when he decided to visit me. It was haphazardly left on the kitchen counter, caused by one drunken night of mine. Jean confronted me about it. I wouldn't forget the hurt and worried look cemented on his face.

  
"Why the fuck didn't you tell me about this?!" He questioned angrily. He threw the envelope on the table, his eyes burning on me. His whole body was shaking. I knew where this was going. I hoped that it would come much later, but it didn't matter. I won't be getting away from this.

  
I regarded him with a blank stare. "It wasn't important."

  
"The fuck it wasn't important! You're fucking dying, Eren! Dying! Tell me how the fuck that wasn't important!"

  
"Jean, please. I don't want anyone to know about this, especially-"

  
Jean cut me off. "Especially who? Levi? Wasn't he the reason behind this?"

  
"It wasn't his fault!" I defended. "Levi has nothing to do with this. This was all my fault. It was my fault for falling in love with him. Don't you ever blame this on him, Jean."

  
"Argh!" His frustrated shout rang inside the room. He ran his hand through his hair and tugged it. If I saw a few drops of salty liquid fell from his eyes, I would never tell. "What the fuck did you put yourself into, you suicidal bastard?"

  
I casually shrug, acting as if this wasn't killing me more than anybody. "I guess I'm just living by that name."

  
I'm simply loving. Loving a broken man who was so shattered he didn't know if he will learn to fall in love again.

  
"What are you planning to do?"

  
"I'm not going to take the surgery."

  
Jean looked at me, eyes wide and ready to slap some sense to me. But when he saw me smile a peaceful smile, he just shook his head and let out a broken laugh.

  
"I can't believe you. Ready to die for love."

  
I couldn't believe myself, either. If you would ask the old me, the one who still hasn't met Levi, I would probably sucker-punch you in the gut or something. But things were different now. Levi meant everything to me and I would do anything for him.

  
Call me foolish and I wouldn't care. It was worth it. The pain, the suffering, it was all worth it. Everything was worth it for Levi. And I'm ready to die if that means that I will die loving him, a guy who can't see his own beauty because of his scars.

  
*****

  
While Levi was out, I sneaked in to his place using the spare key he had given me. I brought some blankets and pillows with me, along some snacks for us to share later on. I quickly made the pillow fort but made sure that it was sturdy. I also prepared the movie that we were going to watch.

  
When he walked into his living room he was obviously surprised by the sight he saw. He was standing still with the door still open, his fixated on the pillow fort I made. I made my way towards him and closed the door, taking his hand and leading him inside.

  
"It has been a long time since we had one, so I thought why not?"

  
Levi just kept on staring at what I made. I didn't know what his reaction will be. Will he become mad at me for entering and making a mess?

  
But then a smile made its way to Levi's face. He looked at me with fondness and I felt like i might burst right there.

  
"This is great, Eren. Thank you."

  
A huge ass smile placed itself on my lips. "What should we do now?"

  
"Let me get us a change of clothes. I think I still have your pajamas in my closet."

  
Levi was right. He still has the pajamas that I wore the last time we made a pillow fort, which was more than a year ago. It was a bit short for me now, but it was fine.

  
Once we were dressed, we went inside the pillow fort and made ourselves comfortable. The movie was already on, our hands diving into the bowl to feed ourselves some snacks. There were times when we didn't even watch the movie and just talked to each other.

  
It was calm, serene, and I loved every second of it. Every single moment with Levi was never a bore. I could spend all day with him without doing anything and I wouldn't rather be in another place but beside him. The fact that I could hear him breathe and feel the heat radiating from his body made me feel glad. He was alive and that was what matters.

  
"Eren," Levi called me softly. When he turned his head to look at me, he was surprised when he met my eyes and saw me staring at him. Could he blame me? He was pleasant to look at. "Don't stare at me like that."

  
I shrugged, smiling a lopsided grin. "My mother always told me when I was a kid to always have my sight set on my dreams."

  
Levi stared at me blankly for a few seconds. What? Was it that bad? Fuck, maybe I should've just kept my mouth shut.

  
Amusement crept up on me when I was able to watch how his face got redder.

  
"Oh, are you blushing?"

  
Levi hid the lower half of his face with a pillow and glared at me. "No."

  
"But you are!" Sitting up, I tried to snatch the pillow from Levi's grip but he was fast. He quickly rolled away and stood up, smacking me with the pillow right after.

  
What the fuck. How the fuck did he has enough strength to make me feel like I was hit by a brick when it was only a pillow in reality?

  
Levi laughed. It was nice, it sounded more like a low chuckle, but I knew that it was his laugh. It made me grip and put myself back to reality and I stood up to challenge him.

  
"You're on for a fight!"

  
Before I knew it, Levi hit me again. Finding my balance, I swung my hand and hit Levi in his side. We started to clash after that, using the pillows as our shield and sword. We were laughing out, throwing playful insults with each other and we were kids again. Laughing and genuinely having fun like there's no one in the world but the two of us.

  
When we finished fighting we both slumped down and laid down, stomach aching from laughing too much. There were tears that gathered in my eyes and I wiped it away. Happy tears. Gods.

  
We both took our time to calm down. The television was still on, playing the movie that was left forgotten, but there were no noise other than that and our breathing. The activity that I just engaged in made my chest hurt a little and restricted my breathing, but it wasn't bad to worry about it.

  
"Thanks, Eren." Levi has a small smile on his face. "I couldn't remember the last time I had fun like that."

  
Smiling, I hummed. "You could always call me and I'll make sure that I would help you have fun like that."

  
We plunged into silence after that. It wasn't uncomfortable and the noise coming from the television didn't allow any of our ears to ring. I could tell that Levi was thinking about something, but I wouldn't invade his privacy and ask him about it. If he wanted me to know what it was about, then I'll let him tell me. I wouldn't force him to speak just because my curiosity is killing me.

  
Levi, who was still staring at the blanket hanging above us, broke the silence. "Do you know how hard it was for me to get by every day, Eren?" Even though I knew that he wouldn't hear me, I shook my head. "It was fucking hard, Eren. The fight with these demons residing inside me is an arduous, never-ending cycle I am forced to face. Most of the times I just want to give up. Just fucking stop and let go. To never wake up and just die. It wouldn't matter anyways. I am fucking useless, worthless, just a waste of space. Even if I'm gone, nothing would change, so why would I struggle if I can finally rest?"

  
I wanted to tell him that no, he was wrong. He wasn't useless. He wasn't worthless. He wasn't a waste of space. He matters and that he mean the world to me. That if he was gone, everything would change. My life would change. But I didn't speak. He didn't need me there for words. He needed me there to have someone who would listen, someone who would care.

  
"But whenever I thought of it, you enter my mind like the damn shit you are. And it reminded me of everything you told me, of everything you ever did for me. I would feel guilty because I would feel unworthy, but no matter how many times I told you that, you're still doing it."

  
Levi moved his gaze to me. "So thank you, I guess. I still don't anticipate living, but you make it at least bearable."

  
"It's nothing."

  
"I'm sorry for walking out before. You know how shit I am in handling those things. And I'm sorry for being shitty and not returning your feelings. I just don't want to deal with emotions. I hope that you understand."

  
I nodded, running my fingers through his hair once before leaning in, placing a soft kiss on his forehead. "It's fine. I understand. I didn't expect you to love me back. Just let me love you, okay?"

  
"If that's what you want. I'm really sorry."

  
There was nothing for him to be sorry for. I love him because I can, not because he told me to. I did this on my own accord and I won't stop. I will love him until my last breath.


End file.
